Life is confusing. Sometimes you are the happiest, sometimes you wish you'd be. There are so many things to care about (what to do and what not; how to get this right without spreading the shit all over; when to make the move to avoid being freaky or misunderstood; where to go and hide or to find solutions). So many people to please (you, he, she, they, another she, the others and the rest of them that I didn't mention before; o yeah, almost forgot about the one from the right, he who's behind and the two ahead), and not at least - myself. So many thoughts and desires that are so existential and so crucial to know right now and here. So many circumstances that put you in a freaky mood.Don't get it. Feeling happy, not just in words, really happy (I feel the happiness in me, pulsing in my blood), all good, actually all is great, amazing, fantastic (and so on with these „exceptional” words on a New Jersey accent ). But still something is missing. Can't figure out what. I can't ask for help. Cause you know, everyone cares about only his/hers butt. Never mind, I'm not judging, it's normal. Yes, it's normal for someone else, but me.
There is plenty of everything, but still seems not enough for everybody. We are cruel to each other. We are humans. But not always rational, or sometimes too rational, too harsh to ourselves. We are not perfect, but pretend to be. This world is the wrong place for me. Is a fantastically theatrical world, where I'm feeling lost like hay in a needle stock (cause I like to think that I'm the fragile one). We, the people are changing so much, everyday. We're becoming so obsessed of the wrong values and politics, I don't even know which ones are right. And that's very disturbing! I don't wanna live like that. I don't like it. I want to live, not to pass through life.
But wait, neither me, I'm not the way I would like to be. Sometimes seems that I lost myself in the wrong environment. Not lost, lost. But infiltrated. Confident and sure of what I want and who I am. Often I jump in unknown with a scary easiness. Hoping that will not get involved emotionally and sentimentally in everything I do, but everytime the result is the opposite of what I wanted in the first place. I end up loving everyone and everything. Loving and hating this at the same time. Loving because I've got the chance to live so intensely and enjoying the wonderful moments. Hating because there comes a moment when it hurts cause I'm too exposed and vulnerable. It hurts desperately. It is like I'm sick. My whole body is trembling in convulsions of emotions I can't control. But at the same time confused and... and... too fucking many thoughts.
There are times when I wish I'd could pause my thinking. I'm according to much importance to things that I should not. I am too obsessed of not making mistakes but at the same time of doing them. Too obsessed that the truth is gonna get me. But I feel truly fair to myself. I feel free, but can't fly yet.
I'm confused. I have to many things going on. I've got the feeling that my head will explode soon. Oh, wait...
ALL THIS SHIT IS IN ONLY IN MY HEAD!!!
